Do:
*Acknowledge the death (with the baby’s name if there is one) by writing a letter, emailing, phoning, making donations or visiting your loved ones (both partners, not just the one who carried the baby) saying how sorry you are for their loss and that you are there to help.
*Make offers to help in concrete ways–childcare, shopping, food delivery, driving to appointments, keeping company during the days, notifying family, etc…
*Keep in contact even if just leaving messages or emails that show you care.
*Connect your loved one with resources she would benefit from such as grief support groups, a specialized therapist or informational/supportive websites.
*Continue to be a comforting presence well past the initial weeks of your loved one’s pregnancy loss–the grief can become more pronounced after the initial wave of support subsides.
*Allow your loved one to be very sad and cry a lot around you if she needs to.
*Help the siblings in the family (if requested by the parents), who may be aware of the parents’ grief and trauma, and need support, too.
*Talk openly about the details of what is happening to your loved one (if she seems open to it) in a non-judgmental way. Give her a chance to process her emotions with you (but don’t force it if she’s doesn’t want to!).
Don’t:
I heard these kinds of things from well-meaning friends and family frequently. I wished they hadn’t said them, but I know they were speaking from a place of wanting to take away my pain, and not understanding what grieving people need and want to hear. Not wanting to see a loved one depressed or crying, some friends and family turned to “silver lining” and positive “bright side” comments that usually just made me feel worse.
Don’t say these things:
*”At least you have a healthy child already.”
*”I know how this must feel.” (unless you’ve been through it yourself).
*”You’ll have another baby, don’t worry.” (some women might not know for sure that they can, like in my case)
*”The baby’s in a better place.”
*”God works in mysterious ways.” (don’t assume your loved is comforted by or shares your religious beliefs)
*”It’s for the best.”
*”Are you sure you want to have an abortion?”(trust that your loved one has heavily weighed the pros and cons of this decision)
*”It could have been worse–you could have lost a real baby.”
*”You just have to get out there and try again!”
*”You got pregnant easily so you’ll get pregnant again.”
Late-Term Abortion in Wanted Pregnancies 