Article from the Washington Post about DC’s Doulas for Choice, a volunteer based non-profit that supports women emotionally before, during and after surgical procedures in abortion clinics. Every town and city needs organizations like this!
The long five minutes: Abortion doulas bring comfort during a complicated time–
Here is a website created by someone who reached out to me recently through this website to collaborate on issues such as 1) reproductive health access as a lifetime journey and 2)having more open dialogue around the issue that not all abortions are wanted and there is no “right” choice. Please check out the blog at: momvwade.org
Another reader, Jennifer, contacted me because she wanted to share supportive resources on grief with other women, especially with regard to how to help children when late termination happens in a family. Here is her list of resources on bereavement:
Saying Goodbye: Talking to Kids About Death
Letting Children Share in Grief
The Bereaved Employee: Returning to Work
How to Create a Peaceful At-Home Hospice for Your Loved One
Keeping the Peace While Settling a Family Estate
5 Things You Must Know as the Executor of an Estate
When my husband and I found out that the baby I carried had severe chromosomal abnormalities, we made the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy in the 19th week. This decision was based on our doctors’ assessment that our baby was “incompatible with life” and that continuing the pregnancy would prolong the baby’s suffering and endanger my health. In an anxious search online for stories of women who had experienced this traumatic loss and for information about the details of the medical procedure and its physical and emotional impacts, I was surprised not only by the lack of first account stories online, but by how many websites lured me into viewing their pro-life proselytizing content, urging me not to consider abortion. During my darkest days after our baby’s diagnosis, on-line extremists called women like me considering a later abortion, “Baby-Killer.”
Some argue that termination for medical reasons is on higher moral ground than the termination of unwanted pregnancies. I believe that whatever the reasons behind choosing abortion, nobody goes around wanting to have an abortion and all of us likely agonize over the decision and worry about the impact it will have on our physical and mental well-being. We are all in the same boat after we choose that decision. Everyone who decides on abortion wants legal access and safe procedures and no one wants to return to the days of botched alley abortions. And yet politicians in 2014 want to turn back the clock on women’s rights and deny them access to their constitutionally protected right to having an abortion. Pro-life extremists use violent tactics to intimidate (harm and kill) doctors and patients, insurance companies refuse coverage for abortion, making it difficult for women to afford the procedure, and “crisis pregnancy centers” trick and manipulate vulnerable women away from medically accurate information about abortions. Women seeking abortions must increasingly submit to forced sonograms, mandatory waiting periods and parental consent forms–with less and less available clinics and providers that can provide a safe procedure. There is a lot of work ahead of us.
Although the purpose of this blog is to help support the needs of women who decide to terminate wanted pregnancies, this experience has recommitted me to supporting legislation that upholds the rights of all women to have access to safe and legal abortions in both wanted and unwanted pregnancies. Through the sharing of personal stories, relevant articles, resources and current information about the process of late-term abortions and the policies that affect them, I hope to help ease the pain for women experiencing this kind of late-term pregnancy loss. I dedicate this blog to all the courageous doctors who have helped women in situations similar to mine and to all those who have fought for the reproductive rights of women in the US and around the world.
–Sammi (not my real name)
Here is my very long and detailed story about our pregnancy loss and later-term abortion at 19 weeks:
Even though it was winter and bitterly cold after a big storm hit our city, my husband and I decided to go with our son to the beach to take our annual holiday card photo. In front of the powerful waves we both loved to watch, my husband set up the camera to get a full-body view of me and I made sure everyone would be able to see my pudgy, protruding belly by accentuating its form with my hands. The waves would be a good symbol, I thought, for the strength I’d need during the upcoming labor and birth of our second child. Everything was rosy in our family and the pregnancy had gone as planned for 18 weeks–joyful and easy. When I look at that photo now, I remember all of the excitement that came with that pregnancy–wondering what our future family would look like, if our baby was going to be a boy or a girl, trying to imagine the exhausting yet exhilarating first days of our new baby’s life. The powerful kicks in my tummy were constant reminders that all was well and that I’d finally made it to the half-way point in the pregnancy. Soon, we’d be on our way to every pregnant couple’s favorite doctor’s visit: the level 2 ultrasound appointment when you get to finally see that clear ultrasound image of your baby, know for almost certain that everything with the baby is okay (and for sure, it would be!) and finally, to find out if “it” is a boy or a girl (I was secretly hoping “it” was a girl).
In the first trimester, I had “passed” the Nuchal Translucency (NT) and AFP blood screenings for chromosomal disorders and heart defects with flying colors, so when I went in to get blood drawn for the Triple Screen in my second trimester, I felt confident that we’d receive similar good news. I had every reason to believe that we were going to soon be honing in on girl or boy names for our perfect, little baby as we looked admiringly at a clear level 2 ultrasound image. But that belief was set aside when we received the Triple Screen results indicating a “positive screen.” At that time, we were told that many positive screens for the Triple Screen end up being false positives due to maternal age and to not worry too much, especially since our first trimester screens gave us a low chance of abnormalities. In any case, I would need to get an amnio and have a level 2 ultrasound immediately. While giddy, chatty couples flipped through parenting and baby magazines in the lobby, my husband and I held hands in silence, trying to muster up courage and cling onto the hope that we’ll leave with ultrasound images of a perfect baby, maybe even giving us a thumbs-up that all was okay after all. The technician came in and started to take many measurements of the baby’s image on the screen. After every measurement she took, the look on her face got more and more serious and she remained nearly silent the whole time. I tried to lighten things up by smiling at her and asking her in a friendly tone, “What measurement is that?” or “How can you tell what that is with such blurry images?” or “Is that the leg or the penis?” I’ll never forget her lack of response and that cold look and demeanor of hers that day. I think I must have begun to go into some sort of denial at this point because under normal circumstances, I’d be able to put everything together and know that something was very wrong, but in my hope that she was just a rude person, I kept asking my questions. Then, I noticed my husband no longer had the fake smile on his face and had a look of worry and fear instead. When I asked the technician if she could tell if it was a boy or a girl, she gave me the curt answer: “I’m not even thinking about boy or girl right now, I’m really not.” As if she had a reason to be mad! And then she walked out of the room in a hurry.
2012 is looking to be a dismal year for abortion rights in our government. Pro-Choice lawmakers are outnumbered in both the House and Senate. Click your state on NARAL Pro-Choice’s website below to learn about how your Congressmen voted in 2011 and see each Representative and Senator’s “pro-choice score” from 0-100!
THINGS THAT HELPED AND DIDN’T HELP ME–
Do:
*Acknowledge the death (with the baby’s name if there is one) by writing a letter, emailing, phoning, making donations or visiting your loved ones (both partners, not just the one who carried the baby) saying how sorry you are for their loss and that you are there to help.
*Make offers to help in concrete ways–childcare, shopping, food delivery, driving to appointments, keeping company during the days, notifying family, etc…
*Keep in contact even if just leaving messages or emails that show you care.
*Connect your loved one with resources she would benefit from such as grief support groups, a specialized therapist or informational/supportive websites.
*Continue to be a comforting presence well past the initial weeks of your loved one’s pregnancy loss–the grief can become more pronounced after the initial wave of support subsides.
*Allow your loved one to be very sad and cry a lot around you if she needs to.
*Help the siblings in the family (if requested by the parents), who may be aware of the parents’ grief and trauma, and need support, too.
*Talk openly about the details of what is happening to your loved one (if she seems open to it) in a non-judgmental way. Give her a chance to process her emotions with you (but don’t force it if she’s doesn’t want to!).
Don’t:
I heard these kinds of things from well-meaning friends and family frequently. I wished they hadn’t said them, but I know they were speaking from a place of wanting to take away my pain, and not understanding what grieving people need and want to hear. Not wanting to see a loved one depressed or crying, some friends and family turned to “silver lining” and positive “bright side” comments that usually just made me feel worse.
Don’t say these things:
*”At least you have a healthy child already.”
*”I know how this must feel.” (unless you’ve been through it yourself).
*”You’ll have another baby, don’t worry.” (some women might not know for sure that they can, like in my case)
*”The baby’s in a better place.”
*”God works in mysterious ways.” (don’t assume your loved is comforted by or shares your religious beliefs)
*”It’s for the best.”
*”Are you sure you want to have an abortion?”(trust that your loved one has heavily weighed the pros and cons of this decision)
*”It could have been worse–you could have lost a real baby.”
*”You just have to get out there and try again!”
*”You got pregnant easily so you’ll get pregnant again.”
From the Chicago Tribune:
TIMELINE OF US ABORTION LAWS AND EVENTS
The earliest anti-abortion laws were intended to protect women from untrained abortionists. Records indicate abortions occurred unregulated during the 1800s, and the number of deaths caused by complications from illegal and unsafe abortions is impossible to determine. By the end on the 19th century, abortion was criminalized
Sources: The Chicago Tribune, California Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League, National Right to Life
From CNN’s “Before and After Roe vs. Wade”–
1994: President Bill Clinton signs the Abortion-Clinic Protection Bill into law, which is designed to protect abortion clinics from attacks, blockades and acts of intimidation by pro-life protesters.
2000: The Food and Drug Administration approves the abortion pill RU-486. The drug enables a woman to terminate a pregnancy within seven weeks from her last menstrual period, without the need for a surgical abortion.
2003: President George W. Bush signs the “partial-birth abortion” bill, outlawing the procedure known as intact dilation and extraction (D&X). Federal judges quickly issue injunctions that temporarily nullify the law’s effect for many abortion providers.
2004: About 800,000 demonstrators gather in Washington for the “March for Women’s Lives,” a protest against Bush’s reproductive rights policies. This is the largest abortion-rights demonstration since a 1992 rally that drew at least 500,000 participants.
2007: The Supreme Court upholds the partial-birth abortion law 5-4 in the first federal restriction on a particular abortion method since Roe v. Wade.
In a bitter dissent read from the bench, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says the majority’s opinion “cannot be understood as anything other than an effort to chip away a right declared again and again by this court.”
2009: President Barack Obama ends a banon the use of U.S. foreign aid funds by international family planning programs that provided abortions or advice on obtaining one. The ban had first been instituted in 1984 by President Ronald Reagan.
George Tiller, a physician who performed late-term abortions, is shot and killed in Wichita, Kansas. Tiller, who had been subject to antiabortion protests and harassment for more than 20 years, was the first abortion provider killed since 1998.
2011: Voters in Mississippi reject the “personhood” amendment, which would have outlawed all forms of abortion, including for cases of rape, incest and life-threatening pregnancies.
Research from the Alan Guttmacher Institute finds the number of abortions is at its lowest level since Roe v. Wade, remaining steady at about 1.2 million reported procedures in 2011, down 25% since the all-time high in 1990.
2012: Susan G. Komen for the Cure announces it will cut off fundingto affiliates of Planned Parenthood. The organization reverses the decision three days later amid a public outcry.
The Supreme Court upholds President Obama’s Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare. Starting in 2014, the level of abortion coverage each woman will receive will depend on their state’s policy, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation.
The ACA prohibits states from including abortion in any essential benefits package and no plan in an insurance exchange is required to offer abortion coverage. In addition, states can bar all plans participating in the exchanges from covering abortions.
Sources: “When Abortion Was A Crime,” by Leslie Reagan; Kaiser Family Foundation; 4,000 Years For Choice; NPR; National Right to Life.
Late-Term Abortion in Wanted Pregnancies 