This is the final ultrasound image we received before the fetus was euthanized with a shot of digoxin. It was a heartbreaking moment to look at the screen, seeing the baby move and being able to make out the profile of her face, and knowing what was to be her fate. My husband and I asked the doctor to see the image of the baby one last time and for us, it was a very helpful “coming to terms” moment that we do not regret. Until then, things had felt surreal and dream (nightmare)-like with everything happening so fast. Having that concrete outline and movement on the screen helped us to face our sad reality. Had it been an earlier abortion or an unwanted pregnancy, I’m sure I would not have wanted to see a final ultrasound like this. More recently, I have learned that legislation is being passed across the country to mandate ultrasound viewing in abortion care, usually as a means to manipulate the women’s decision-making process, which I find so manipulative and scary. To find out more about mandated ultrasound viewing in abortion care, click the link below.
http://www.ansirh.org/research/ultrasound.php
Final ultrasound at 19 weeks. Initially, it was nice to have these tangible mementos, even if it was only to confirm and remind us of the existence of our ill-fated pregnancy.
A week and a half before the final ultrasound above, we received this ultrasound at 17 weeks from the perinatologists, right after they told us there was something catastrophically wrong with the baby’s heart.
Ultrasound at 17 weeks–the appointment that found severe defects in the baby’s heart, “incompatible with life”. The image is so clear and “normal” looking! If it were so “catastrophic,” how could the fetus have survived for so long and look so peaceful like this, we wondered. The news that our baby most likely had a “chromosomal problem” and that we would soon have to terminate the pregnancy, was devastating.
And, here is the first ultrasound our OBGYN took to confirm the pregnancy in the initial weeks of pregnancy. Things were looking peachy back then.
The first ultrasound that brought such excitement and joy, confirming the pregnancy from our OBGYN.
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Although it may seem morbid to some, one thing my husband and I are glad we requested was to get the hand and footprints of the baby after the termination procedure. It is one of the only tangible items we possess from that life-changing experience and not only does it help us to remember the experience and the baby, it also confirmed to us in those imprints that our baby did in fact have a chromosomal abnormality and serious deformities– having 6 digits in each foot, instead of 5. Having initially been in denial about our situation and then wondering if the tests could all just be wrong, this concrete proof of our baby having Trisomy 13 (Patau Syndrome) helped comfort us more than any blurry ultrasound or test result ever could. This still sits on our mantel next to the urn (which contains the ashes that we never scattered) and even with each passing year, is difficult to put away.
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The last thing before going into surgery that I wanted to think about was the color of the baby’s urn–the final receptacle that would hold the ashes of the cremated baby, but the clinic staff surprised us by asking us detailed questions about cremation, urns and related merchandise as I was about to go under. Although it was off-putting at the time, we are grateful that we were given the option of having a private company do the cremation (we did not attend), that the clinic thought through these details, and helped us to be able to keep the remains of the baby. Our other option would have been to have the clinic staff medically dispose of her so we chose this option instead. The basic services for the funeral director and staff overseeing the process cost us $225 and the urn (walnut/cherry), $110–not a cheap keepsake. The total was over $300, but the urn still sits on our mantel today and it comforts us there. We decided not to follow our original plan to scatter the baby’s ashes into the ocean, and instead, kept the urn in our home.
Above: The walnut/cherry urn from Atlantis Cremation & Burial that stores the baby’s ashes inside. We thought of scattering the baby’s ashes but found that the urn has a comforting presence for us and kept it on the mantel instead…I know, a little odd for a mantelpiece.
Late-Term Abortion in Wanted Pregnancies 